The following is the first essay I wrote for my English class. It is a narrative essay. For this assignment we had to think about an experience in our life that changed us. Such as something that made us get over a fear, cause a fear, change your out look on life or that made you come to a new realization. You will see in a little bit what I decided to write about. Now keep in mind that I had to embellish a few things or just use my creative license to make it a little more interesting to the reader and to add more details. I might have also forgotten some things; however I hope you enjoy. I will be posting a journal entry that I did in a day or two.
Making Plans
After losing my three remaining grandparents in seven months I came to a stunning realization. I realized that my parents are now the “older” generation in the family and that the next step is for my brothers and I to make funeral plans for them. This is a sad, yet natural part of life. This is a responsibility that I am not looking forward to having. I still remember the day I helped my mom make plans for her mother’s funeral.
My grandmother past away at our house on July 7, 2007. She was put under home Hospice care after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We watched her on a downward spiral as her health diminished over a period of five weeks. The last week was the hardest as we watched the small frame of my grandmother seem to just fade away. The night she died there was a eerie, yet feeling of relief throughout the house. My mom knew that she no longer had to struggle taking care of her mother anymore, which she had been doing for the last five years or so. My mom, dad and I knew that she was in a better place and was no longer suffering. We also knew that she was back with her husband and other family members that had past before her. But we also knew that the house would have an empty feeling in it now that she was gone.
The next morning the three of us headed out to the funeral home, a place that we had visited too often lately. The funeral home was almost too quiet and I began to feel a little out of place being there. It also felt very cold in the lobby. Just as I was wondering if the air conditioner was on full blast, a very nice and very tall gentleman named Ron greeted us and took us to a private room to begin the planning stage. The room was very simple with white walls and a cream colored couch. I noticed a large round glass table in the corner of the room. The room didn’t feel very comforting. It seemed more like an office room in a hospital than somewhere to make final resting plans for a loved one. We sat at the table and Ron began going over all kinds of information about my grandmother. I realized at that moment that I needed to find some stuff out about my parents and keep notes. Next, Ron took down the information that we wanted in my grandmother’s obituary. Ron then left the room to do a rough draft and left us to pick out what set of holy cards we wanted to use. I remember thinking that I would have to pay attention to the sets that my mom liked so that when the time came I would know what she would be happy with. While thinking this I got a little choked up and felt as if my heart was in my throat. This brought tears to my eyes and I had to look away from my parents. I took a few moments to compose myself and went back to looking at the cards with my mom. Finally we decided on a set and sat waiting for Ron to return.
I remember sitting in the chair thinking that I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. The room seemed to be getting smaller and it seemed as if time had stopped. I had also noticed a stale smell in the air. It was as if the same air was being filtered throughout the room. Finally Ron came back and broke the silent tension. He went over a few more items with my mom and then took us to another room. This was an experience that I wasn’t quite ready for. When he opened the door and we walked into the room all we saw were wall to wall caskets. It kind of made me take a step back. I guess I hadn’t thought of having to pick out a casket for my grandmother. Ron went over a few things that we had to keep in mind and then left us to make our decision. My parents, having done this recently just went on about their way looking at different caskets. It took me a few minutes to adjust my self to get over what I was doing and help. We were talking in a hushed whisper as if we weren’t allowed to talk at all. We kept going back and forth on which one to pick. Did we want a wood one or a metal one? Did we want one that had white on the inside or one that was a light pink? All the while I kept thinking that I was going to have to do this some day for my parents. It felt somewhat unreal and again made me want to be somewhere else.
We finally came to a decision and got Ron. He went over a few details of the casket we had picked out and told us that we had made a good choice. I was thinking that he probably said that to everyone and had to chuckle inside. We then went back into the uncomfortable and stale air room to finish our plans. Again time felt as if it was standing still. Yet almost two hours had passed since we first walked into the empty funeral home. It was at this point that I realized the hunger growing in my stomach. We had such an early appointment at the funeral home that none of us had breakfast before we left the house.
We soon left the funeral home but had to go to the florist next. This seemed like an easy step but it had me thinking about what kind of flowers my mom or dad would like and what colors would look best for them. I felt like I had a knot in my stomach and my eyes were wet with tears. Once we got to the florist my mom made me decide what the grandchild arrangement would be like. This was a humbling experience. I had to pick out something not only from myself but also something from my brothers and their wives. I ended up picking an arrangement that had some of the most beautiful pink and white flowers that I had ever seen. I could almost smell the floral scent just from the picture but maybe it was just the flowers that were around me.
Our next step was to go to the church and get those details taken care of. The car was quiet on the drive to the church. Only the soft sound of Oldies on the radio could be heard. Once we pulled up to the church we were all feeling pretty hungry and worn out. The heat of the day was starting to rise and was causing us to slow down just a bit. We spoke to someone at the church who wasn’t very friendly. I remember standing there thinking that this is someone who has an important job at the parish and he seemed bothered to have to help us. At one point I wanted to ask him if there was someone else that could help us. Here we are, a family dealing with the loss of a loved one and he could not even find enough manners to have us sit down while he spoke to us. Then he told us that he was busy and asked if we could set up an appointment for the next day. He did give us a book to go over so we could have some of the details ready for the meeting the next day. We then had to decide who was going to do the readings and be part of the funeral in other small ways. The hardest part was figuring out who would be the pallbearers. My mom is an only child and has only the three sons. We decided on two other males in the family who we would ask but that left one open spot. I decided to offer myself to fill the position. My mom thought about it for a minute and agreed that it would be a good idea for me to also be a pallbearer. As soon as the decision was made I kind of asked myself what I was thinking. Could I really be such a honored part of my grandmother’s funeral?
This experience made me realize that some day in the future I will be making these plans for my parents. But this experience has also prepared me for what I will come across when it is time to make these kinds of plans. It will never be an easy experience but at least I know what kind of details I will need to have ready. I am very glad that I got to be such an important part of my grandmother’s funeral.